You poor dear! Kittens can be very tiresome. It sounds like your human companions found a scrappy wildling. Be brave! You can overcome this problem if you act decisively and take control. Immediately.

First, accept the fact that your life has changed. The kitten is not likely to go away so you must learn to cope. Think of him as someone who needs to be trained, not eliminated. Forget about hiring that ferocious neighborhood dog. It might eliminate you instead of kitty. Dogs are very unpredictable.

Second, expect the unexpected and learn to outmaneuver kitty. Be constantly alert. Vary your routine to throw off his sabotage campaign. Always sleep in cubbies that kitty can’t reach. Watch some Pink Panther DVDs and study the covert techniques used by the French. You need to develop some savoir faire.

Third, start training kitty immediately. Since you’re older, you’re much stronger and heavier. Play with him, then suddenly pounce and sit on him. Tire him out with pointless running and jumping contests. Set the rules so you’ll always win. Use discipline if he gets too aggressive — paw and hiss to make your point! Show tough love. Don’t be a victim. Make it clear that you’re in charge of this home. You’re THE BOSS!

If the humans hear or see you doing these things, they’ll probably get mad and yell at you. Ignore them. Don’t take it personally. Humans simply don’t understand us. If they start to get on your nerves with their misplaced hysteria, secretly scratch their cloth furniture. That’ll drive them wild and you’ll feel vindicated.

Now here’s the good news. Kitty will grow up. If you train him well and show occasional benevolence, he will inevitably become your friend and ally in getting the humans to cater to your every whim. Make this your long-term goal!

I’m delighted to hear from a feline who shares my professional values. But I digress.

Yes, humans are strange creatures who are frequently obsessed with food. They have a peculiar fear of eating and have developed weird ideas. They diet constantly. Who would believe? But that’s not the worst of it. No, the worst is that they’re always forcing their bizarre food hang-ups on us. They deprive us of nutritious insects and the occasional rodent. They feed us canned or packaged “cat food” in small portions. It’s outrageous!

I realize that you’re extremely upset (and with good reason, you poor thing). Take heart! I completely understand your problem and have some excellent advice for you.

Hunt! When you’re on your own, use your natural hunting ability and savor the delicacy of freshly-caught insects. Never bring these treats into the house. Humans loathe insects and will throw them in the trash. Imagine such wasteful behavior! But there it is.

Whine! Whine loudly while standing near your empty food dish. Stand next to their table and whine loudly when they are eating then run to your food dish and whine some more! Humans hate to hear us whine.

Purr! When they feed you, purr loudly and rub up against them. Leap and dance around them. Make them feel special and they’ll give you more. They need our attention and our affection. I don’t know why. It’s pathetic but true.

So hunt and whine and purr and dance to get what you need. Be persistent. Be focused. Maintain your professional goals! You’ll soon be getting more than enough food. The dizzy spells will disappear! I guarantee it!

Poor kitty! You obviously have become frantic - dare I say paranoid - with worry about your situation. Fear not! There are ways to cope with all of this.

Unlike us, humans have mixed feelings about habit and routine. They want spontaneity and change in their lives. I know. I know. It’s hard to imagine such thinking but experience proves me right. They take vacations to escape the routine of their lives. Such a strange and sad reality. Sigh.

But back to your needs. I have a foolproof strategy for you to detect their travel plans ahead of time. It’s easy. Keep an eye on their bags and suitcases. When humans travel, they fill these with all sorts of useless items. Apparently, they need a variety of disguises and so they have outfits for different occasions. If you see them filling their bags, you can safely assume that they’re about to leave. This will be especially likely if they’re smiling and laughing together while looking at papers with road markings and pictures of buildings with swimming pools. If you notice any of these behaviors, know for certain that they are going away!

Resolve to change your attitude toward their travel. Consider their absence as an opportunity for you to enjoy the luxury of private spa treatments and meditation. Relax in a sunny window and, while breathing deeply, groom yourself thoroughly. Visualize yourself as Kitty Extraordinaire. Enjoy the moment. Think happy thoughts. Take full advantage of the comforts of your home. Drape yourself across the dining room table when the sun is shining on it. Stretch out on the sofa. Leap onto the bed and tuck yourself under the pillows. Dream good dreams.

Turn off the TV. This is an absolute must! There’s nothing worthwhile for cats on TV. Better to read. Are you familiar with the Dr. Seuss books? I highly recommend The Cat in the Hat. It will make you laugh and give you all kinds of wonderful ideas for enhancing your own life and wardrobe.

Befriend the neighbor who cares for you when they are gone. In the unthinkable event that your companions don’t return, he will adopt you if you become dear to him. Become dear! Purr and demonstrate your affection. Smile and chat sweetly when he arrives. Be a darling.

Finally, if you feel a need to guilt your companions when they return, hide under the bed. Refuse to come out. Sob and whine miserably! When they bring you the special kitty treats (and they will, I promise) be kind and forgiving.

You can’t stop humans from traveling but you can make the most of it. Enjoy your time alone and, when your companions return, let them enjoy your company!