You poor dear! Kittens can be very tiresome. It sounds like your human companions found a scrappy wildling. Be brave! You can overcome this problem if you act decisively and take control. Immediately.

First, accept the fact that your life has changed. The kitten is not likely to go away so you must learn to cope. Think of him as someone who needs to be trained, not eliminated. Forget about hiring that ferocious neighborhood dog. It might eliminate you instead of kitty. Dogs are very unpredictable.

Second, expect the unexpected and learn to outmaneuver kitty. Be constantly alert. Vary your routine to throw off his sabotage campaign. Always sleep in cubbies that kitty can’t reach. Watch some Pink Panther DVDs and study the covert techniques used by the French. You need to develop some savoir faire.

Third, start training kitty immediately. Since you’re older, you’re much stronger and heavier. Play with him, then suddenly pounce and sit on him. Tire him out with pointless running and jumping contests. Set the rules so you’ll always win. Use discipline if he gets too aggressive — paw and hiss to make your point! Show tough love. Don’t be a victim. Make it clear that you’re in charge of this home. You’re THE BOSS!

If the humans hear or see you doing these things, they’ll probably get mad and yell at you. Ignore them. Don’t take it personally. Humans simply don’t understand us. If they start to get on your nerves with their misplaced hysteria, secretly scratch their cloth furniture. That’ll drive them wild and you’ll feel vindicated.

Now here’s the good news. Kitty will grow up. If you train him well and show occasional benevolence, he will inevitably become your friend and ally in getting the humans to cater to your every whim. Make this your long-term goal!