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Hungry Feline Fears Fainting
May 9th, 2009 4 commentsDear Tabby,Please help me. The humans who live with me have put me on a diet. They’re very stingy with food. Since they are constantly dieting, they think that I should do the same. They don’t seem to understand that I am an athlete. I must eat often to have strength for leaping, twirling, and chasing the shadows and dust mites that live in our house. My constant hunger is making me dizzy. What if I faint during my triple-spin leap from the windowsill? My fear of being permanently injured during a fainting spell is eroding my self-confidence as a world-class bounder. Leaping with ease and finesse gives meaning to my life. It’s my career, my true vocation. I need to hone my professional edge but how can I if I’m anxious and faint with hunger?
STARVING IN SEATTLEDear Starving in Seattle,I’m delighted to hear from a feline who shares my professional values. But I digress.
Yes, humans are strange creatures who are frequently obsessed with food. They have a peculiar fear of eating and have developed weird ideas. They diet constantly. Who would believe? But that’s not the worst of it. No, the worst is that they’re always forcing their bizarre food hang-ups on us. They deprive us of nutritious insects and the occasional rodent. They feed us canned or packaged “cat food” in small portions. It’s outrageous!
I realize that you’re extremely upset (and with good reason, you poor thing). Take heart! I completely understand your problem and have some excellent advice for you.
Hunt! When you’re on your own, use your natural hunting ability and savor the delicacy of freshly-caught insects. Never bring these treats into the house. Humans loathe insects and will throw them in the trash. Imagine such wasteful behavior! But there it is.
Whine! Whine loudly while standing near your empty food dish. Stand next to their table and whine loudly when they are eating then run to your food dish and whine some more! Humans hate to hear us whine.
Purr! When they feed you, purr loudly and rub up against them. Leap and dance around them. Make them feel special and they’ll give you more. They need our attention and our affection. I don’t know why. It’s pathetic but true.
So hunt and whine and purr and dance to get what you need. Be persistent. Be focused. Maintain your professional goals! You’ll soon be getting more than enough food. The dizzy spells will disappear! I guarantee it!
4 responses to “Hungry Feline Fears Fainting”
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Hello, I have been viewing your site for some time now and read most of your entries. Is there any way that I can subscribe so I get updates sent to my email? Regards
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admin May 6th, 2010 at 14:22
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This is my first time to visit your site and I must say that you write and do your research very well. Very informational and up to date. Keep up the good work. Will be following your next update. Your new friend, Glee Season 2
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Panic May 4th, 2010 at 07:30